Symptoms of Unsure

I measure myself by achievements
what I've got,what I wanna have
what others have that I don't
and why is it a must not to be cloned
why originality is key to death

I measure myself by failures
what I've lost,who have I hurt
how did I hurt them
conquests that weren't conquered
tears that weren't flowing

I measure myself by joy
how much fun am I having
how much lost have I become
the biggest orgasm I've ever had
street sluts screaming my name

I measure myself by sadness
how much empathy I feel
how much grief I wanna taste
how blackness is my new white
how crying is my new laugh

I measure myself by looking at you
by watching you walk,talk and screw
how you eat,how you bleed
when I stab the knife
deep in your heart

I measure measurements
by having thoughts
of naked old granny roaming
lonely and cold,ugly and old
it gives me a hard on

I measure gay love
by making out with a lesbian
by being so straight that it hurts
every time they try to penetrate
deep in me,deep in my gaping hole

I measure good stories
by the first page and last
editors note and critics view
the most important
is how much it's gonna cost me

I measure the sky
by looking at the sea
how far out can it be
before my last breath
takes me away

I feel so unsure of things I do
of creating fictionalized characters
like Sarah and baby Hue
like Lady Nana,the lovely dame
my life has always been a game

I measure good music
by how bad the crooner is
how I can only hear the guitars

while the beat on the drums
sounds like splattering paint
This symptoms of unsure
has kept me going till I saw light
switched on,switched off
flickering,dimming
it kept me going till I become sane

I am unsure,I am unsure
I am surely pure
from the inside out
I am unsure if I've god
I am unsure of my own doubt.